Friday, August 31, 2007

Patching 101

Since the only people who are going to be wearing The Patch are female, anybody reading this should not be in possession of a penis. You know, like on their... um... person. All men stop reading now.

Yeah. Right. Like that’s gonna happen.

Okay. You can keep reading. But we are all going to pretend you are not here. And if you get confused because you don't understand female anatomy, too bad.

Let’s start out with some of the basic things you’ll need to know about the patch...


Ever stuck a bandaid on your arm, then when you go to remove it...Yeee-owww??!! It’s stuck to the hair! Now you have to decide - remove it slowly - and hopefully minimize the pain, or rip it off fast and get it over with? This is not a decision you are going to want to make with your private parts. Trust me, I know this....

So you have to get rid of the hair. How you decide to do that is up to you. Shaving is great, but such a sensitive area may be prone to razor burn for some. Sicking an adhesive bandage on an area that is already irritated can be mighty uncomfortable! Personally, I prefer to wax - most salons now offer bikini waxing services, so it’s easy enough to find a place to have it done. What I like about waxing is that I can do it a few days (or even a week or two) before shooting and then not have to think about it again - skin stays smooth for about a month. Waxing isn’t perfect... yeah, it can smart - (ironically, almost exactly duplicating the unpleasant experience of the bandaid on the arm incident) it’s pricey (approximately $50) and it’s freaking embarrassing the first couple of times you do it.

There are a number of “styling” options to consider, as well, regardless of your method of hair removal. I’m going to give you the specifics on the two most common, the “Playboy” and “Brazilian”

  • PLAYBOY: Your panty line sides waxed into a "V" or straight line. Labia is waxed. "In the butt" waxed.
  • BRAZILIAN: The full removal of all bikini hair. "In the butt" waxed also. Sometimes a “landing strip” or “thumbprint” is left in front.

I generally go for the Playboy because it has a very natural, though well groomed look. (And I personally think the landing strip can make the hips looks wider than they actually are) For purposes of filming, I will often keep a bit more hair in the front than I do for...... um...... personal use. I’ve found that it helps hide the existence of the patch a bit more.

This is the brand and size that I’ve used most recently. I’ve found that the tapered ends make for a better fit, and the flexible fabric allows for a bit more mobility.


The Patch, when placed properly, should not be seen. But where is that exactly? Everybody is different, so you’re gonna have to figure that out for yourself. Stand naked with you legs together and look in a mirror. That’s exactly how you should look with the patch on! Look down and identify the apex, place the patch just behind that. (It goes on lengthwise, not sideways) Practice (if you get the chance) before filming. Because trust me, on the day, you’re going to be nervous. And it’s not something that comes naturally. Sticking a bandaid on your genitals is not natural. But you are going to feel a whole lot better on the day if you’ve practiced at home a couple of times!


The Sticky Factor:

We’ve all learned this lesson before... Remember getting that nasty paper cut on your finger, smearing it liberally with antibacterial ointment and then unsuccessfully trying to stick a bandaid on it? Adhesive bandages stick best when applied to a “clean, dry, surface” so keep the lotion away from the kitty!


BTW-Since you’ll probably be doing all of this in a bathroom, might as well go for a precautionary pee before beginning the application. You’re also going to have to repeat this process every time you’re 10-100. Sigh...

Baby Wipes are plentiful on set (Make-up should have them and Wardrobe should as well) and are just about the most convenient way to freshen up on set. Clean the area well with a baby wipe and then, just to be sure, do it again. The baby wipes are very moist, so dry off with a paper towel when you’re ready to apply the patch.


Hopefully, you’ve already figured out your personal placement of the patch, because you practiced at home. If not, well... you’re going to have to figure it out now, aren’t you? Re-read the above regarding placement.

I usually do this standing and then going into a deep plié in second position. Your basic sumo wrestler pose, if you prefer.
  1. Identify starting point for bandage.
  2. Peel off the paper covering the sticky part of the first half of the bandage.
  3. Press the sticky part of the bandage to the starting point... but just enough to let it hang there.
  4. Optional- (but I really recommend doing this!) pull the outer labial lips around the more sensitive parts and kind of.... tuck everything in... Does that make sense? That way the really sensitive portions of your anatomy are in the part of the bandage with no sticky stuff on it, and the portions with the sticky stuff on it are less sensitive.
  5. Smooth the bandage toward the back as you sink into a deep plié or squat.
  6. Remove the second half of the paper covering and continue smoothing the bandage toward the back and outward.
  7. Stand back up, and use you hands to keep pressing out any gaps in the bandage. You might also try to sort of mold it into a pleasant, Barbie doll, anatomical incorrectness.
The reason I do a deep squat or plié as I apply the bandage is so that I get full range of motion when I’m moving in the scene. But I was a ballet dancer for years and God knows I have a tendency to fling my legs about, so most girls aren’t going to care about range of motion as much as I do.

The Patch is not a chastity belt. If is was, your mother would have been slapping them on you before your first high school dance. The only thing the patch prevents is the camera from seeing your private parts, so you can concentrate on what’s important - your acting.


David said...

I confess that I read this all the way through. :-)

But where is the male actor who will instruct guys how to use the sock? Nowhere!?

Monique said...

Ask,and you shall receive.....

David said...

Heh-heh. Now that's responding to feedback!